I am feeling rather fortunate today.
Another blog award has turned up on my doorstep, but I'm a bit dubious about this one.
It’s called the "Honest Scrap Award" and I have more than a sniff of suspicion when I read that its' acceptance is conditional upon me spilling the beans on ten of my 'darkest secrets'.
Is that really an 'award'? Pass me the poisoned chalice please...
But I enjoy a challenge now and again, and I don't intend to swerve on this one, so here goes. Here are ten of my soon-to-be ex-secrets.
1. I enjoy doing the shopping. Sometimes, in the evening, I will even choose to nip out to the shops to pick the wife up a chocolate bar just to have a saunter around the store to see if there's anything we need.
2. I refuse to throw away holey socks. I often find myself the subject of ridicule for this, but I just do not see the logic in throwing out an otherwise, perfectly-functional garment just because it has a 2cm x 2 cm gash in its base.
3. I twirl my hair. When there is no-one in my office, I lean back in my chair and twirl my hair endlessly. Part of this is a concentration thing and I find that it actually aids my thinking process.
4. I played a telephone prank on a friend once - a long, long time ago - pretending to be 'Mark' from Scotland Yard. I informed the friend in question that we had evidence suggesting he had attempted to hack into Government computers, and requested that he made himself available at his local Police station as soon as possible.
He protested and protested..."It wasn't me." "I'm telling you, it wasn't me officer" before I had the decency, after more than 10 minutes, to admit that the joke had gone too far and I wasn't actually 'Mark' from Scotland Yard. It was only me. Aren't I nice?
5. I told my wife once that our family cat had got its foot stuck in our toaster and my Dad had to call out an engineer to free it from the toaster's grip.
My wife is very gullible you see, and when I was younger - much younger, about 20 - I used to gain great pleasure from seeing just how far I could push my luck with her. Thing was, I forgot to tell her this time that I was only mucking around.
She met my parents the next day and politely asked my Mum how our cat was. My Mum replied it was fine, why? My wife then added softly that she heard it had an accident with our toaster...
6. I dropped our cat in the bath once when my brother was in it. I was only about 16 at the time and I hadn't actually intended for it to fall in. It was an accident.
Yes, I did hang it over the bath, but it wriggled so forcefully that I couldn't hold onto it and it fell into the drink.
When I got it out, after much effort, it sprinted down the stairs like a bolt of lightening and ran into the kitchen, where my Mum screamed "Argh..there's a rat in the house."
7. I sometimes eat two pizzas in a row. Rather unjustly, I'm not clinically obese and somehow slip into the "Ideal" range on the highly-dubious BMI.
But, I have a soft spot for pizza and sometimes you just have to let yourself go a bit, don't you? Don't you?
8. I spend an unhealthy amount of time doing this blog.
9. I obsessively hide the keys in our house. I'm always wary of burglaries, even though we live in a relatively safe area, and I obsessively take all of them out of the doors at bedtime and hide them.
I even take my car keys up to bed with me at night, as I think it would be bad enough to wake up to find you're house had been burglared, but what a bonus it would be to find your car still parked on the driveway.
10. And finally, I sleep with a cricket bat by my bed every night. Again, playing on my extreme - ridiculously extreme - caution with intruders, I have kept a trusty bat by my bedside for years just in case. I don't play a lot of cricket.
Anyway, phew. Enough of this frivilous nonsense.
Can I have my award now please?
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